The Most Important Conversation to Have Before Moving In Together

Cleaning is the second biggest reason couples fight

They say what you don’t know can’t hurt you, but tell that to a guy who recently moved in with someone who doesn’t know how to load a dishwasher. Worse: They do know how to load a dishwasher, but are too lazy to do it. If that sounds like a petty reason to fight and slowly become filled with poisonous hatred for a person you once loved, welcome to cohabitation!

While it’s obvious cleaning is almost entirely about putting shit away in a timely manner, it’s not always as simple as she cleans, he won’t or vice versa. It’s really about cleaning values — what should be cleaned, when, how and how often.

Some people like newspapers and books strewn about and can leave fettucine in the sink overnight; others are classic-plastic-covers-on-the-couch crazies, always dusting behind you like a maniac. It’s your job to figure out who someone is before the sobbing; it’s your job to figure out how to live together, or alternatively, to get some therapy.

She loves that guy, but boy, does she also fucking hate him. Do you really want this to be your fate? Try cleaning.

To be more fair, women can be total slobs, too, and men can be fastidious cleaners. And arguably a lot of this shit doesn’t matter all that much. But what does matter is simply agreeing on how chores will be split up in advance based on who is good at what, and to make sure you agree to check in and see how it’s going. That way, there’s no secret resentment that will boil up into a roiling cauldron of anger and bubble over.

In other words, without any of the hang-ups heterosexuals have about chores and gender, there are no “pink” chores like laundry and cleaning for women, or “blue” chores like mowing the lawn or fixing things for men. Chores were doled out as equally as possible. And that was true regardless of hours worked or income earned, which is the opposite of how it works with straight couples, who tend to give the lower-earning worker the more pink chores, like cooking and cleaning. And that person in most straight couples tends to be the woman.

I write this not to make men feel bad, but to make clear that this is actually easily preventable. In the study of same-sex couples, they reported being far more satisfied with the division of labor, and that was for one reason: They talked about it up front. That’s all it took. Talking a little.

“Men in gay partnerships were much more likely to say they had discussed how to divide the labor when they first moved in together,” the Post writes. “Women in straight partnerships were much more likely to say they wanted to, but didn’t.”

Wanted to, but didn’t could also be any man’s tombstone if he doesn’t just learn how to divide some chores. So even if you’ve already moved in with someone who now despises you, it’s not too late. Go home, draw up a little chart, and start discussing who will do what and how. Make it fair, and make it reasonable. And buy yourselves some happiness and time to fight over something else, like how even though you’re cleaning, you’re not cleaning right. Or how much sex you’re not having anymore, because you’re still fighting about cleaning.

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